Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Inspired

3am, laying in bed and I can't shut off my mind.  For those of you that didn't know my Lauren, she was stubborn, she didn't give up easily when she knew she was right, she stood up for what she believed.  She had a heart of gold, held her heart to her chest, protective to a fault for those she loved.  She stood up against those who would tear down people she cared about, because it was the right thing to do, no matter the hits she may have received to herself. She would rather take the pain from the attacks on herself than to see someone else be hurt. God knows she wasn't perfect. She made bad choices, got herself into bad situations, but that's what you do when you are young. In so many ways that child is me.  I say is, though she's be gone for far to long, because she still lives in me.  She was the epitome of everything I could have hope for in a child. Beautiful, heart and soul, strong willed, righteous, opinionated and smart.  A beautiful soul who care more for others than herself.  Who knew that fighting for what was right was worth more than what she had to endure to gain the outcome.  I'm proud to say she got that from me.

She inspires me.

Its because of her, I go to church every week.  She understood that you don't have to be perfect to be loved, though in her teenage mind (and every single other teenage mind), she struggled with it.  She found in faith a love that knew no boundaries, no judgments only the judgments within yourself, that she and so many others (including myself) struggle with.

It is because of her I strive to teach the same values to all of my children. It is the choices you make that define you for the moment, not your life. You can make bad choices and still be loved.  I felt so much guilt that somehow I didn't do enough, say enough to show My Lauren how much she meant to me, how much I needed her, how proud I am of her, but she knows and she knew then. As much as I hate the thought, it was her time. She still inspires me.

I have been fighting the easy road of giving up. The temptation to let others take the wheel is so great. I've had to re-evaluate my life, but never my heart.  She inspires me not to give up, to be the person that she herself emulated so gloriously in her own most beautiful way, me.

She was and always will be her mother's daughter.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ah crap...I think I started something again...

Remember when I mentioned that Pirate Monkey can't read a calendar, yeah, totally wasn't kidding.  As I was literally typing up my post from last night, guess who called? She called my phone, KSA's phone and our house phone, didn't leave a message on any of them.  I guess KSA called her back and she thought she was supposed to get the kids back tomorrow (ah no, we've only had them a week, remember? you have them for two weeks then we have them for two weeks). By the time KSA had called her back, she realized her mistake. So much for a courtesy call or message saying "nevermind."  In my medicated stupor (under doctor's care - I have wicked back problems - several herniated discs, a half a disc from surgery relating to an accident almost 19 years ago and degenerative disc disorder throughout my entire back which were seriously aggravated when we were trying to resuscitate My Lauren) I didn't realize that KSA had talked to Pirate Monkey last night. So I texted her this morning. A few minutes later, KSA got home from picking up our Bountiful Basket order and I realized that he did talk to her, so I texted her back saying "oops, sorry didn't realize you talked to.... already." Innocent, right?

Yeah, well, the last time that kind of thing happened I thought I was supposed to pick up the kids and woke up to a flooded bathroom.  I texted her saying that I was running late and why.  As I was going to get the wet vacuum, I realized that KSA wasn't at work (he works from home) so it clicked that he was already picking up the kids. So I texted her back saying "oops sorry I didn't realize .... was already on his way." Apparently by the time she had gotten my texts KSA was getting the kids in the car at her house and she came out screaming (in front of the kids) about stuff completely separate from the fact I had texted her. So not kidding, so much so Blue thought it necessary to get out of the car to try and calm his mom down. Really? What the hell happens at her house that Blue thinks its necessary and appropriate to intervene?  He's an awesome kid, a total peace maker and a pretty good negotiator, but its not his job to calm his mother down like that.

Sigh, that's what I get for taking my meds.  Ugh I hate those things, but I need to walk upright and be able to do stuff, thankfully I have it timed that another adult is around when the meds really kick in so for that hour that I'm a little too happy for my own comfort level.  I've insisted with my doctor that my med levels are at the lowest possible dosage, so I am still able to function, but relatively pain free.  I'd rather deal with some pain then be drugged up around my kids.  As a result of the meds, I have trouble remembering things outside of the regular routine and mornings can be frustrating when I forget I've talked to KSA about something the night before but it doesn't click in my head until later and the oopsie texts occur.

So I guess we'll have to see what this oopsie text caused, hopefully nothing, but historically speaking I have a feeling we are going to have another hissy fit session. sigh....

Friday, January 20, 2012

Pirate Monkey is my friend.....

Uhmmm not so much.

So, again, its been forever since I posted anything, well forever in an internet sense of the word.  I haven’t been necessarily busy, more frustrated than anything else. The mix between taking care of kids, home and trying to accomplish tasks that I have put off because they are either very time consuming and/or emotional draining and avoiding these same tasks while feeling guilty for the avoidance mechanism, then on top of it dealing with the Knight in Shining Armor’s ex and her obsessive need to control and dictate our time with the kids.  You know, because in her mind that how it works in a joint custody situation.  Needless to say, raising My Lauren on essentially my own for the majority of her life with little financial help from her dad (part of which was agreed upon- not looking for a pity party), doesn’t lend me to take that kind of crap from anyone, especially when I have been a major part of Moo’s and Blue’s lives for a better part of 7 years.  Beyond the kids, I have a tendency to be very loyal to my husband (I know – who da thunk it?) especially when he’s being verbally attacked by a psycho-bimbo from hell who has walked away from her children (4 of the 6) not once, not twice but three times in their short little lives, but she’s the victim. Yeah I’m a little bitter, a little holier-than-thou about this one.  But being the bigger person who loves her step-kids more than bio-bitch mom will ever understand, I haven’t ripped her a new one (figuratively or physically) though she most certainly deserves it.  Especially when she tries to use my dead daughter to garner my symphony for her, sadly I’m not kidding or exaggerating. 

So, for the past couple of months we have been seeing a counselor for “family therapy,” with Pirate Monkey (my new code name for her) and her significant other (S.O.).  S.O. is a good guy, kind of like KSA, as I am pretty sure Pirate Monkey hasn’t changed much since the stories KSA told me about when he was with her, S.O. is either a saint or a sadist.  In this particular instance, I doubt there is much of a difference.  Thus far, the therapy sessions have either been Pirate Monkey having screaming hissy fits, where she has been literally kicked out of the room or just simply on the verge of said hissy fits, literally shaking as she speaks and EVERYTHING we may say is a direct attack against her all the while KSA and I are sitting calmly and desperately trying to keep our mouths shut, not to make it worse.  I wish I was kidding.  The last few times we’ve exchanged the kids (from their house to ours and vice versus) she’s avoided contact (thank God) and left it up to S.O. Prior contact over the last few months, she’s either tried to start an altercation (at school no less) or came out screaming at KSA in front of the kids.  If I was truly an evil person (and you have NO idea how tempting it is) it wouldn’t take much to say something to send her over the edge, but as I am CONSTANTLY reminding myself, “we are here for the kids, as much as it would feel good to get all of your frustrations out, it’s not going to ultimately help the kids.”  Did I mention this therapy was my idea? Maybe I’m the sadist… (yeah, I don’t want to think about that one *shudder*)

Anywho, this last session seemed to have some progress, but then again we thought there was some progress after we had a sit down with Pirate Monkey and S.O.  a month or so before the therapy began.  This time S.O. was doing the talking, trust me there was a collective sigh of relief and the tension in the room seemed to lessen so much so, my smile was truly genuine.  Mama Bear retracted her claws a little bit.  Essentially this particular meeting was about scheduling and they brought up a suggested schedule for the first half of the year.  On the surface it looks fair, though I need to crunch the numbers to ensure it and noting the fact the woman has to use a calculator on 3rd grade math and normally can’t read a calendar, yeah I’m crunching the numbers.  I really hope it works out, it’s not going to pretty (on her end) if we have an objection.  Sad part is on first look, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out quite the way she wants it to. Sigh, looks like mama bear is going to have to grin and bear it, again. Ba da dum cha!