3am, laying in bed and I can't shut off my mind. For those of you that didn't know my Lauren, she was stubborn, she didn't give up easily when she knew she was right, she stood up for what she believed. She had a heart of gold, held her heart to her chest, protective to a fault for those she loved. She stood up against those who would tear down people she cared about, because it was the right thing to do, no matter the hits she may have received to herself. She would rather take the pain from the attacks on herself than to see someone else be hurt. God knows she wasn't perfect. She made bad choices, got herself into bad situations, but that's what you do when you are young. In so many ways that child is me. I say is, though she's be gone for far to long, because she still lives in me. She was the epitome of everything I could have hope for in a child. Beautiful, heart and soul, strong willed, righteous, opinionated and smart. A beautiful soul who care more for others than herself. Who knew that fighting for what was right was worth more than what she had to endure to gain the outcome. I'm proud to say she got that from me.
She inspires me.
Its because of her, I go to church every week. She understood that you don't have to be perfect to be loved, though in her teenage mind (and every single other teenage mind), she struggled with it. She found in faith a love that knew no boundaries, no judgments only the judgments within yourself, that she and so many others (including myself) struggle with.
It is because of her I strive to teach the same values to all of my children. It is the choices you make that define you for the moment, not your life. You can make bad choices and still be loved. I felt so much guilt that somehow I didn't do enough, say enough to show My Lauren how much she meant to me, how much I needed her, how proud I am of her, but she knows and she knew then. As much as I hate the thought, it was her time. She still inspires me.
I have been fighting the easy road of giving up. The temptation to let others take the wheel is so great. I've had to re-evaluate my life, but never my heart. She inspires me not to give up, to be the person that she herself emulated so gloriously in her own most beautiful way, me.
She was and always will be her mother's daughter.