bragging.....WHAT??? you don't already know how awesome I am? For shame, for shame....

I have recently discovered (as in yesterday) a blog that I find irresistibly charming and relate-able (that's a word, right? No matter, it is now): Flourish in Progress.  In the last 24 hours, I have read pretty much every post she's made . I know, I know, pathetic, I am truly not trying to stalk her and I promised her the white truck parked down the street from her house wasn't mine....really, I swear!!!

Liz, I hope she doesn't mind my calling her that, has a segment, where every week - specifically Mondays - she will be doing something that she's never done before or isn't very good at - her Monday Dares. "Dares" rather than challenges or goals, because I agree with her those are rather daunting words.  Coming from a previous corporate job, where we had to write our own yearly reviews and come up with goals for the coming year - the word "goal" is despised.

This particular Monday is about bragging. Bragging is viewed differently all over the world and in many cultures looked down upon.. Though I am a white Anglo-Saxon American female, bragging, particularly about myself, has never been my strong suit - now my kids are a totally different story. Those awesome kids are just that, AWESOME! As for myself, I have always seemed to think that if someone doesn't know already how awesome I am; my telling them about it isn't going to change their obvious lack of intellect. Liz (aka the Queen of Awesomeness, herself), challenged her readers to brag about themselves. So, I,  being her newest BFF, felt obligated to oblige. (admittedly she's not completely aware of this fact, but she'll come around to the idea after I untie her eventually....) The following is what I posted:
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Just over two years ago, my brags would have looked like this:
I'm proud that I have raised a beautiful, talented and smart 16 yr old daughter, essentially on my own. I'm proud that I worked for ten years at a job I despised to ensure my daughter had everything she needed. I am more proud that 8 years into said job, I finally figured out that I wasn't going anywhere, started going to college part time and working full time. Then finally quit my job to focus on school, met the man of my dreams, helping raise my step children (the youngest from the age of 9 months), had a baby and graduated cum laude (that's a good thing, really). Also, I am proud I rocked my teacher certification tests and I haven't slugged the mother of my step-kids, yet (HUGE emphasis on yet).

Then, my eldest daughter died; overdose, suicide, whatever one wants to call it, it doesn't matter the method. The child that I lived and breathed for was gone.

Fast-forward, 2 years, to the present:
I'm proud I get out of bed everyday. I'm proud that I have been able to function mostly...sort of...(ok, truth) sometimes in the real world. I'm proud that I have friends and family that can see past the facade of a functioning individual, kick my ass when needed and love me anyway. I am still proud of all of the previous entries, though I have new perspective on all of it. Mostly, I'm proud that I am raising yet another beautiful, smart and talented (now) 3 year old girl, that in many ways reminds me of my eldest, but is, in her own right, her own individually beautiful self, with a man who has been the epitome of a knight in shining armor, two (most of the time) wonderful step-kids and I still haven't decked the mother of said step-children (though she really really REALLY deserves it on occasions and LORD Almighty knows I would feel better). My step-kids have no idea how much I love them. :)
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One other thing that I thought of after the fact, I am proud I haven't allowed the guilt of my daughter's death completely consume me. It really could have and sometimes I am fearful that it still will.  I have to function, for my kids, for my husband and most importantly for myself.  The guilt, truly, isn't as much of a factor as it was right after her death, but it does rear its ugly head on occasion.

Now its your turn, what makes you puff up your chest about yourself?

UP NEXT: 1 chicken = 3 or more meals!

Back to blogging...lets see how long it will last and Mango Bread

So I guess its been awhile since my last post...ok over a year.  :(   I haven't stopped cooking or living for that matter, still around. I've been working on and off, taking care of myself (mentally) and my family.  "They" say that the second year after a loved one's death is the hardest, and "they" are right.  There are so many missed opportunities and milestones that hits home the hardest, the "what could have beens" really stink.  Seeing my daughter's friends go to prom, graduate high school and move on to college has been the hardest of all. I miss my  Lauren everyday.  As much as I would love to hide in my room and wallow in my sorrow; I know, not only my hubby, but pretty much every single friend of mine would be banging down my door to drag me out of bed (Thank God!).

So back to cooking, we participate in our local Bountiful Baskets. If you haven't heard of it, its a food co-op where you donate a particular dollar amount, the organizers purchase in bulk fruits and vegetables (sometimes other items like bread, granola or cases of particular fruits/vegetables or specialty packs) and then the participants pick up their baskets at an ungodly hour in the morning.  Yeah, I get my husband to do that fun part. I on the other hand get to prep and put away all of our goodies.  A lot of the basket is seasonal and we've had some interesting produce, brussel sprouts, kale, santa melons, etc.  If its not something you are used to cooking on a regular basis (i.e brussel sprouts for me) it can certainly expand your horizons, make new friends or waste food, the latter is not an option in our house.

The last two baskets we received had 3 or 4 mangoes in each, which in it of itself is not a bad thing, but it happens to be the two weeks we don't have my step-kids (they are huge fruit eaters, whereas Miss J is not as thrilled with mangoes as the other two).  So the mangoes have been just hanging out ripening to the stage of "use me now before I go bad or start to root." So off to Google I go in search of something to do with them.  I peeled and sliced about half of them to dehydrate (love my food dehydrator!) and I found an interesting mango bread recipe. Its along the same lines of banana bread, but with mangoes!!!! I found it on All Recipes.com which can be hit or miss as far as the reliability of the recipe, but thankfully this bread turned out very well.  So much so that my husband really enjoyed it and that says a lot!

To ensure credit is given as its due, I'll only post the link to this lovely sweet bread. the only thing I did differently was to add a splash of milk to the batter, only because I was a little paranoid about it not being 'batter-y" enough but if the mangoes are ripe and juicy, it will add enough moisture to the batter! Enjoy!!

Chinky's Mango Bread

Evil Ogre Step Mom Strikes Again!!!! aka: veggies for lunch

MWAHAHAHAHAaaaaa.....(evil laugh)

I make my kids eat veggies, even for lunch. Yep that's me - EVIL!!!! I guess I could be even meaner by eating bon bons in front of them, but I torture myself as well and eat the same things as they do, usually.  There are exceptions, like PB& J and hot dogs. Not that I have anything against those particular childhood favorites, but they can be tiring. Therefore we don't always have those either.  The usual lunch fare around this house consists of sandwiches with veggies (potatoes are veggies, right? Therefore potato chips would then qualify, yes?) but at the very least they always have something actually healthy like fruit or veggie sticks on the side or the ultimate lunch fare (for me anyway) is leftovers.  Most of the time, the left overs are just that, but there are times like today that they are taken to a much higher notch!  I haven't been to the store as of late, been pretty much a recluse.  Its been a pretty difficult month for me, emotionally.  In eight days, it will be the one year anniversary of my daughter's death, hence the lack of posts.  So I haven't really want to be out in public and since I do most of the shopping, we are down to a whole lot of nothing in the house.  We do however have left overs...(insert evil giggle here)! Since I do have to feed the little urchins, I open up the door to the fridge and create!

Excerpt of actual conservation with myself:

Hmmmmm, what to make, what to make?????

Let's see....left over pasta, a carrot or two, half an onion, corn on the cob....

hey look we actually do have meat! Turkey kielbasa!

Soooo what else....better use up those green beans from the other night, garlic, butter, parsley...

By golly I think we have a meal!

Whip out my great big pan, throw in some olive oil and away we go!!! The following is exactly what I had and how I did it.  If you are like me, use whatever you have on hand, but this was really good!

What the heck am I gonna make Pasta!
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
1/2  onion, chopped fine
3-4 garlic cloves, minced (to your liking - we really like garlic around here)
1lb or a package of smoked sausage or kielbasa, cut up
1 carrot, peeled and thinly sliced
1 cooked corn on the cob, kernels cut off, about a cup
1/2 cup green beans, cooked
1 small bunch of parsley, chopped, about two tablespoons
2 tablespoons of butter
juice of a lemon
leftover cooked pasta, about 1/2 lb cooked

saute the onion and garlic in the olive oil until translucent, throw in the sausage and brown, cook the carrots until tender then add the rest of the ingredients to warm through and make the sauce. 

Voila! This served me and two hungry kids, though my plate was rather full and so was my stomach.  A couple more carrots, maybe some extra green beans and pasta, it would certainly feed my husband as well.  The other part that tends to confuse me about Moo and Blue is they both have this thing about their food being separated into nice little piles. Meat separate from the veggie separate from the side.  That's it, otherwise they look at their plates like I just gave them some greasy grimy gopher guts....I got that same look today, silly children.  Sorry for no pics of this delicious and very colorful meal, but momma was hungry!

Now what to make for dinner.....oh look tuna!

11 months

Its been a pretty difficult couple of weeks and I fear the next month or so will be just as bad or worse, emotionally.  We've had some wonderful moments and some very sad ones too.  Moo (my stepdaughter) had her very first recital this past weekend.  She did wonderfully! She's been attending the same dance studio that my Lauren danced at for years!! Lauren pretty much lived there and took countless classes, tap, jazz, ballet, etc. She loved that studio and everyone (the owners, teachers, students) as well.  I, in turn, also ended up living there as well, driving Lauren to and from, helping with recitals, building sets, painting, helping backstage, dance competitions, etc.  When Lauren died, Michele (one of the owners) was in the first group of people I called.  Everyone at the studio came in droves to the funeral, they gave me some items that I cherish greatly as reminders of Lauren and have respectfully been there for me ever since.  I so love them! So, honestly, there just isn't any other dance studio I could take Moo to (though her mother has issues with it - but that's another story).  I've doing pretty good, emotionally, as far as taking Moo to classes.  The first time was pretty hard, but everyone has been so very supportive.

Then came the recital.  Oh boy....now that was a tough one.  Mainly due to one of the teachers lovingly decided to create a dance in tribute to Lauren.  I knew about it, pretty much from the get go, though I never saw any of the practices, even at the dress rehearsal.  I was supposed to go to the afternoon show (they have so many classes that they split the classes into two shows) and preview it, as a buffer, but I couldn't go because of some other sad news that I'll get into shortly.  So, recital night, I picked up Lauren's half sister (from her dad, he and his family were invited but he wasn't emotionally up for it) and off we went.  Let's just say I haven't cried like that in a while.  It was beautiful.  The girls did wonderfully and I know Lauren would have loved it.  I swear I could almost see Lauren dancing with them. 

As a "thank you" to the dancers in the tribute dance, Michele, Tracy and Shannon (owners and teacher) I brought roses for all of them and presented the flowers to them at the end of the recital.  Though the anxiety was pretty extreme before I got on stage, once I started talking, I was fine (relatively speaking :).  It must have been the theatrical part of me kicking in.  I know that these wonderfully beautiful people will be in our lives for a long time to come, especially since Miss J seems to have a propensity towards dancing as well!

The really sad news is Hubby's best friend died in a head-on collision Friday morning.  He and his wife were traveling to Vegas for the weekend and an 80 year old man crossed the center line and the rental car was pretty much demolished.  Due to the location, it took a while for emergency responders to get to them and I believe, he died on scene.  Thankfully, his wife is physically okay and they hadn't brought their 2 year old daughter with them.  If you happen to be the praying sort, please be so kind to say a prayer for Hubby's friend and his family. I know I haven't mentioned their names, but I'm pretty sure God can figure it out. 

Happier news, I had a birthday this weekend, sadder news I'm just that much closer to the big 40! Ugh! Though with my birthday, 11 days later is my Lauren's birthday.  Still not sure what we'll be doing that day to celebrate her life, though I have been kicking around some ideas (letting go of some message balloons - I can so hear the greenies having fits over that one, just visiting her by myself - though I think I'll do that anyway or something else...just not sure yet).  Just like people keep asking me about the anniversary and what I'm going to do, if anything.  Honestly, my first gut feeling is to stay in bed all day, not really feasible as I'm sure Miss J would like to eat, play, have diapers changed, drink etc etc...yeah so that idea is out.  I'll figure something out, as I usually do, just like I now need to go figure out something for dinner...hmmm there is some steak in the freezer and some sweet potatoes that are screaming "eat me".....see, EASY!!!

Zucchini and Carrots Oh my!!!

Soooo back to cooking!  Yesterday was a bad day for me ('cause I wrote this). I didn't even cook, instead we went out to eat which is rare for me/us. One reason is I do love to cook and sometimes to my step-kids' dismay. I'll cook pretty much anything that looks healthy.  Not very much comes out of a box in this house, not that I abhor Rice-A-Roni or the like, there are some very good boxed meals out there and I would love to buy a box of the fried rice and just throw in some cooked chicken and frozen veggies (as I did a great deal when I was a single mom, working full-time and going to school part-time). Alas, my hubby is right about the amount of sodium in said boxed meals (bad for my blood pressure) and I do find great comfort in cooking.  The second reason I cook most of our meals is simply cost.  Going out to eat is pretty much out of the question because I'm not currently working, maybe once a month for something cheap and simple or a little more up-scale for special days.  Other than that, a cooking I will go!

My husband likes to cook too. Poor guy, I tend to beat him to the kitchen though.  Lately, he's been pushing the whole barbecue idea, probably so he can have a chance to cook too, besides that the weather has been beautiful as it usually is in Arizona.  I have to say, we are very lucky here. The summers may be as hot as hades sometimes, but its year-round barbecue season! Tonight was one of those nights he won out.  We ended up having barbecued pork spareribs, homemade barbecue sauce and Zucchini and Carrot pancakes. Trust me that was quite enough!  Since my step-kids are at their mom's this week, it was just me, my hubby and little miss J.

That girl can be the PICKIEST eater! Meat? If its not bacon, she won't touch it, even if its breaded (she picks the breading off and eats that!).  Potatoes? For sure, if its french fries, other than that only when she's in the mood.  Veggies are hit and miss as well as fruit, though I can get apple slices in her and sometimes bananas.  The only guaranteed items are peanut butter and flavored yogurt. There are times that I am so tempted to slather either one of those things on her food just for the chance to get something else in her.  There are cereals, crackers and nuts that she'll eat too, but one can not live on that alone. I know she's two and this is normal (I've read all about it). We supplement with some gummy vitamins and she's growing, so I know she's not under nourished, mommy's just paranoid and digressing.....

So back to the food!   The pork spareribs were simple, seasoned with one of those spice rubs (Montreal Steak Seasoning) and slapped on the grill.  My hubby smoked them a little bit too, because when had some pecan wood floating around and he likes using his smoker (its so cute).  I was whipping up a batch of Ina Garten's Zucchini Pancakes which are very good on their own, but I still have a bunch of carrots to use up before they go all limp and icky.  The recipe calls for two zucchini and since I only had one, in went some shredded carrots! I also tweaked the amount of grated onion, 'cause a whole onion is a little much for me and I only had yellow onions on hand.  I also added in some chopped fresh sage, rosemary (just a little), oregano and parmesan cheese - just cause I happened to have some! YUMMMM!!!!!

I also made Homemade Barbecue Sauce...ok I admit we were out, so why not whip some up?   This is one of those "a little of this and a little of that" types of recipes - if you can even call it a recipe! There are no actual measurements as I just threw in what I had that sounded good at the moment and it worked! Hooray! This is most certainly something to adjust to your own tastes....

Homemade Barbecue Sauce:

In a small saucepan add:
- a couple of good long squirts of ketchup (sorry no homemade - maybe in a month when our tomatoes grow)
- a dollop of prepared cocktail sauce (I like the kind with horseradish)
- a couple of glugs of Worcestershire sauce
- a small spoonful of horseradish (not the sauce kind - just straight horseradish)
- a spoonful of hoisin sauce
- a dash or two of onion powder
- a dash or two of garlic powder
- a squirt of honey
- a dash or two of chili powder
- some malt vinegar (maybe a tablespoon)
- some balsamic vinegar (again maybe a tablespoon)
- a couple of tablespoons of soy sauce
- a couple of tablespoons of teriyaki  sauce

heat through and stir to combine, salt and pepper to taste and serve! (as my youngest says: Tada!)
Again this is completely changeable to suit your taste, start with a little of each and add more of whatever you want. It turned out a little sweet, a little vinegary and had a little kick from the horseradish.  If and when I make this again, I'll try to actually measure the ingredients and make the adjustments.

To top off my cooking adventure this evening, I made a batch of Farmgirl Fare's lovely Carrot and Herb Rolls.  Sadly, I still have about 8 carrots left to use up!

Thank you, Ina and Susan for helping me make a lovely dinner!

So what's the real reason for this blog......

Ok so its not really about food, or gardening or whatever else I may write about on any given day.  There is a good reason why my name on this is "2 find a meaning."  I am attempting to do just that, find a meaning.  I lost my meaning almost a year ago and I've been looking for it ever since in various activities and projects, attempting unsuccessfully to find myself once again.

July 16, 2009, my beautiful, intelligent, and talented daughter took her own life.  For 16 years, she was my meaning.  Everything thing I did, work, school and play was to give her a happy and healthy life.  For a very long time after she died, I felt as though I didn't do a very good job at it.  Oh my word, the guilt!  Kicking myself over and over again for not seeing the signs. I could on and on about that and the mistakes I made over the course of our lives together, but that will come in due course.  There are times still that I feel that way, though thankfully its less now.

Perhaps this will be eventually about the effects of suicide on the family, something that few people talk about and help someone else that is also going through this.  Perhaps this may reach someone considering taking their own life, I so hope they would consider otherwise. As I would always tell my daughter, things always get better.  It saddens me to the core that she didn't believe me.

So there it is, for the whole world to see, now what do I do with it?  Keep trudging on, everyday, one day at a time.  I'm so very grateful for my husband, my youngest daughter, my step-children, the rest of my family and friends, as I doubt I would have survived this it weren't for them.  I miss my baby girl every moment of every day.  I am no longer myself, as though a part of me died with her.  It is rare that anyone sees this side (outside of a few chosen people), I am very good at pretending everything is ok.  Some of it is genuine and there are days that I'm better than others (like when I'm in the kitchen or with my baby "J"- so she's 2 now but she's still my baby).  The better days are becoming more frequent, though sometimes I think that I am just fooling myself into believing that... (gotta remember to talk to my therapist about that one :).  If anything for the desire to feel slightly normal again.  For those that may eventually read this, yes I do go to therapy - faithfully.  Its one of the only places I feel safe enough to let everything out.  On occasion I also go to Suicide Survivors support group.  I've met some wonderful people who are also going through this sad situation.

The death of a loved one is never easy. I've lost both sets of Grandparents and my dad, among many others who had touched my life, but there is something different about a death on purpose.  I will never fully know the reason why she decided to end her life, but its been a very hard road to travel since.

I doubt this blog will revolve completely around my daughter's suicide, as I can only cry so much.  This will be more about the journey of my new life without her. I still hate that she's no longer here, but I have no choice but to go on. I have three children (in total) to care and be there for.

Zucchini and Carrot Carbonara

I was watching the Food Network this morning (for those who know me - Shocking I know!) and on "Five Minute Fix" the host was making a spinach carbonara, looked pretty good. So as I was attempting to think of something this evening for dinner, which as usual I didn't start doing until it was close to 5 pm. So it was either leftovers or something utilizing said ingredients. Out popped out this little gem of a dish!

I went on to the FN website and found the recipe from the episode I watched this morning, but I didn't have enough spinach to do that particular one, so a-searching I went.  I found Jamie Oliver's version of Beautiful Zucchini Carbonara.  I did have a couple of zucchini in the fridge, but we still have a couple of pounds of carrots left from a Bountiful Baskets order a week or so ago, so I figured might as well throw those in as well. This is what I came up with:

Zucchini and Carrot Carbonara
This is for two servings, as I wasn't cooking for the kids that night. It can easily be doubled for more....


Ingredients:
-4 slices of bacon chopped
-1 medium zucchini, ends trimmed, sliced lengthwise in half,  then sliced as thin as possible, using a vegetable peeler or mandolin to the seed core then turn one quarter turn and slice lengthwise down to the seed core and repeat. you can discard the seed core, save it for another dish or continue slicing and use it in the dish
-2 carrots, cleaned and peeled, ends trimmed, slice the same as the zucchini into very thin slices.
- 1/4 to 1/2 lb of pasta, I used leftover cooked pasta, in this case spaghetti, though you could use any pasta, but then cut the veggies to about the same size as the pasta
-2 tablespoons of sun dried tomatoes, packed in oil, sliced. (you can use the dry version, but reconstitute before using)
-2-3 handfuls of fresh spinach or approx 1/2 cup of frozen spinach, defrosted and squeezed dry
-2 large egg yolks
- 1/4 cup heavy cream
- 1 cup Parmesan cheese
salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot, heat some salted water to boiling. Slice carrots, zucchini, sun dried tomatoes (if necessary).  Cook the pasta until al dente.  In a separate large pan, start frying bacon.  As the bacon is browning, in a separate bowl, beat egg yolks, cream and 1/2 of the parmesan cheese, until incorporated. Set aside.  (If using left over cooked pasta, wait until the veggies are almost cooked to warm the pasta in the boiling water.)  In the pan with bacon and bacon fat, add the zucchini, carrots, sun dried tomatoes, spinach, salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally until the zucchini and carrots are tender crisp, the spinach is wilted.  Before draining the pasta, scoop a ladle of the pasta water and quickly whisk the pasta water into the egg mixture, to temper the egg yolks.  Drain pasta and add to the pan with the veggies and bacon then toss to combine.  Add the tempered egg mixture to the pan and toss quickly to combine, turn off heat.  Serve immediately with a sprinkling of the remaining Parmesan and a nice piece of buttered toast or garlic bread.

Note:
(If you like you can par-cook the zucchini and carrots in the pasta water in the last few minutes of cooking the dried pasta or if using pre-cooked pasta, you can put the zucchini and carrots in the water with the pasta. Then using a pasta spoon scoop out the veggies and pasta, draining them some, then add to the bacon and bacon fat as well as adding the spinach and sundried tomatoes.Then continue with the rest of the steps)