Ok so its not really about food, or gardening or whatever else I may write about on any given day. There is a good reason why my name on this is "2 find a meaning." I am attempting to do just that, find a meaning. I lost my meaning almost a year ago and I've been looking for it ever since in various activities and projects, attempting unsuccessfully to find myself once again.
July 16, 2009, my beautiful, intelligent, and talented daughter took her own life. For 16 years, she was my meaning. Everything thing I did, work, school and play was to give her a happy and healthy life. For a very long time after she died, I felt as though I didn't do a very good job at it. Oh my word, the guilt! Kicking myself over and over again for not seeing the signs. I could on and on about that and the mistakes I made over the course of our lives together, but that will come in due course. There are times still that I feel that way, though thankfully its less now.
Perhaps this will be eventually about the effects of suicide on the family, something that few people talk about and help someone else that is also going through this. Perhaps this may reach someone considering taking their own life, I so hope they would consider otherwise. As I would always tell my daughter, things always get better. It saddens me to the core that she didn't believe me.
So there it is, for the whole world to see, now what do I do with it? Keep trudging on, everyday, one day at a time. I'm so very grateful for my husband, my youngest daughter, my step-children, the rest of my family and friends, as I doubt I would have survived this it weren't for them. I miss my baby girl every moment of every day. I am no longer myself, as though a part of me died with her. It is rare that anyone sees this side (outside of a few chosen people), I am very good at pretending everything is ok. Some of it is genuine and there are days that I'm better than others (like when I'm in the kitchen or with my baby "J"- so she's 2 now but she's still my baby). The better days are becoming more frequent, though sometimes I think that I am just fooling myself into believing that... (gotta remember to talk to my therapist about that one :). If anything for the desire to feel slightly normal again. For those that may eventually read this, yes I do go to therapy - faithfully. Its one of the only places I feel safe enough to let everything out. On occasion I also go to Suicide Survivors support group. I've met some wonderful people who are also going through this sad situation.
The death of a loved one is never easy. I've lost both sets of Grandparents and my dad, among many others who had touched my life, but there is something different about a death on purpose. I will never fully know the reason why she decided to end her life, but its been a very hard road to travel since.
I doubt this blog will revolve completely around my daughter's suicide, as I can only cry so much. This will be more about the journey of my new life without her. I still hate that she's no longer here, but I have no choice but to go on. I have three children (in total) to care and be there for.